Monday, June 3, 2013

Summer Time Again

It has been awhile since I have wrote anything. Summer has started , and I just need to relax. I have been doing what I would like to call cam whoring for about a month now. I love doing it, but it is mentally and physically still work. I had decided not to tell people about the diaper thing, but the past week I have been more open about it. Why should I hide who I really am? It doesn't hurt anyone, and I am going to be myself. I also got a video camera coming. I'm wanting to make videos for aunt elli again. The problem with our video camera is that it was a really nice one, but the technology was old. It didn't plug in to the laptop directly. Hopefully I can start making videos for her, or for a clips for sale. Who knows... If you are interested in a vanilla, or a private abdl video cam time or mommy time send me an email about what you would like at lollylalaz@yahoo.com.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Fresh Start

This last weekend I have learned many things about myself, and honestly have a new perspective on life. I have been letting myself be talked down to by others my whole life. Why you may ask. It is because I am to nice. I don't want to snap at people, because if I do I would possibly ruin a friendship. Why am I changing myself to be someones friend? I shouldn't have to.

 I have very few real friends in my life. By friends I mean people that love me for exactly who I am, friends that don't always agree with me, but are not afraid to tell me when I am being an ass. Friends that not only like to talk to me, but that also value my opinion. Friends that will listen when I talk to them. Not just hear what I say, but truly listen. I am tired of being used as a therapist. I am a great listener, and I love to talk and help my friends. I am not a therapist though. I do not get paid to listen to you bitch about your life or other people. I am not getting paid to listen to you trash my friends. I value my friendships, and if really consider you a friend I will fight for you, and stand up for you until the end. That being said though when people can only be my friend if I see things their way. I am not okay with this.

 I need to respect the people I call friends. I will not respect you if you hurt me or the ones I love. I will not respect people that let themselves be pushed around by others. People that don't have a backbone to stand up for themselves. I am done talking to these types of people. I don't need that kind of stuff in my life. Maybe I won't have a huge community of friends, but the ones I do have will be meaningful. A friendship is a two way street. You must be willing to do for others what they do for you.

As far as being an ass online. I am working on stopping that. I don't want to be known as a troll. Yes I am opinionated, and I will stand up for what I believe, but being negative is not helping me. I struggle with my mental health every day, and to get better I need to stop focusing energy on the negative aspects on life. I need to refocus on my own life, and the goals I have for myself.

I want to make my fiancee happier. Everyday I want to do something for him to show him how very special he is.

I want to be healthier. I have started weight watchers, and am already starting to lose weight. I don't feel good about myself when I am overweight, and to change this I need to do something about it.

I want to put in my application for college. I am incredibly intelligent, and have just been afraid of them judging me based on my past.

I am done being ashamed about my past. I made mistakes, I paid for those, and I am trying to better myself.

I will try my hardest to live a straight and narrow life. This doesn't mean that I won't have a few drinks every now and then, but I am done with the fast lifestyle, and I acknowledge that I need help.

I will not let myself be used by others. I will not let others make decisions for me, or those around me.

These are just a few goal, but I know just posting them will make them easier to achieve. I am a strong minded woman, and if I want this enough I can do it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Why diaperedkitten is a cunt...



 This is just my daddy's response to her. If you would like to see the preceding messages I read them on youtube. THE VIDEO

Okay...

I understand your perspective on all of this. However, I think this systematic slam on my fiancee and partner has gone on for long enough. I understand that the two of you have disagreements and don't see eye to eye on a lot of topics, such as your choice to charge others for services that she provides for free. I understand that you feel that she brought opinions that were too different from your own to your party that was the centerpiece of your documentary participation. Trust me, I have the capacity to understand quite a bit about the innermost workings of this conversation and its conflicts because I saw firsthand how it has affected her. However, I feel that I would be doing my equal partner a disservice in not responding to these attacks. Frankly, I don't care if you wanted a response or if you are considering this matter closed on your own terms. I'm responding to set the record straight from my my own perspective.

I don't understand your attempt at psychological dissection of either our relationship, nor her mental state. The truth of the matter is that aside from the 1-2 times you've interacted with her in person, you don't know a lot about her. I seem to have a better position to make appropriate judgements regarding her and her mental state, and I've deemed that love is more important to me than a few minor issues that rarely seem to affect anything involving us. In fact, the last time I checked, you haven't even been granted the full degree or qualifications from any accredited university to practice psychology anywhere that I am aware of. If I am wrong, I'd be rather surprised. I don't recall a full intake exam being conducted by you with regards to my fiancee, so you are privy to only the small amount of observations you have been able to make at your own home. Why would I even bring this up? Yes, she has self admitted issues that she deals with, but I don't think labeling her in such a way (bipolar? DANGEROUS?) is anything that you're qualified to do.

I understand and respect your ability to make decisions with regard to your own events, I completely do. However, I felt long ago that continuing to try to attend your events was a poor decision because of the conflicts that the two of you have had. I reserved my judgement of the situation with a hope that maybe this could be resolved with further discussion and exposure to one another. However, it is clear that this has resolved itself through your decision to message me, so I no longer feel the need to continue to reserve my own judgement. I would encourage you to discontinue reading this if you have no further need to continue, because I feel that you have had your say, I have reserved mine, and now I am going to take my turn to say my piece.

I tried to be respectful of your home, yourself, your guests and your viewpoints. I was nothing but kind going into a situation I felt was a poor one for my little girl to be involved in. However, I think you and I have a a fundamental disagreement over my role in all of this. Then, to receive your gripes and complaints about it all and to remain civil is a feat that I think few would even bother to undertake. Yes, I am her daddy, hence this response. However, I take exception to your perception that I am her keeper. I'm not her master, she is not my property. It is role play. Granted, it is a lifestyle, but she is a human being. For you to assume that her emotions and feelings are unimportant is rather insulting to me personally and as her daddy, her partner, and her friend of 8+ years. I have no more power in such a relationship than in any other. Role play is just that... play. We have fun with it all, but its not a mandate on my role, her role or anyone else's role.

She is separate from myself. I feel the need to make that distinction simply because she has the fundamental right to be her own person as a human being. I would never attempt to curtail or control that ability because of a role she allows me to play. Lifestyle AB/DL aside, we are still equal partners in a relationship involving love, trust and friendship that goes beyond roles and play. We are embarking on our life together as equal partners, and I think that looking at us as such would be something that would be beneficial to you in understanding both her and I. Summary? When you message me and disregard messaging her, you are opening up a whole different dialogue than simply taking your issues to the source. I don't lack sympathy for your perspectives, but they are simply that... perspectives. If you felt insulted by her ability to hold differing opinions from yours, I'm sorry that you lack the capacity to be more open minded about how you perceive everyone's rights to engage in kink in their own lives.

I think that in reading your complaints about the situation, that is your fundamental complaint about her conduct, is that you have a disagreement in how and in what capacities people can interact in kink. She felt that the lifestyle choice of making money off of others who are interested in kink was a rather predatory practice, and voiced such an opinion in her own way. She disagreed with the pricing of such services as well, am I correct? So isn't that a fundamental disagreement on the implementation of professional services, rather than a slam on you personally? I disagree with mechanics charging so much to repair a car, but I highly doubt any mechanic would be personally insulted by such a difference of opinion. Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing to convince you of anything. You've had your say and did so to me unprovoked. Now I am giving you my unabridged response that now includes my opinions.

However, with those opinions come my objections to your conduct as well. You carry yourself in a very respectful manner, I must admit. Your compliment sandwich was rather flattering on the surface, but carried with it a rather snarky and snide underbelly that I will have no part in. The fact that you feel the need to openly take shots at her and to not have me respond in kind is insulting not only to her as the target of your insults, but to me, in thinking I'll simply stand idly by and allow you to take cheap shots at her. Yes, they are cheap shots. I understand that you're allowed your own opinions, but that doesn't make them fact or commonly accepted. We have worked equally as diligently in cultivating a large pool of true friendships in the Denver Metro area, as well as Colorado Springs, Pueblo, and elsewhere. I understand that painting yourself as an internet celebutant, the mommy with an AB side that was gifted with a nursery and a loyal circle of followers around her. However, that self anointed position does not justify your statements about her as a person. I don't think you have even given her the time of day as far as getting to know her as a person, as a friend, or as a human being.

Invites to parties are kind, but outside of that, there has been nothing further in an attempt to understand or know her personally. Frankly, if you ask her and I, I think that we would express the sentiment that in the case of the last encounter, we felt rather used. Used, you might say? Certainly. I feel like we were invited under the pretext of a fun get together, and that you had an anterior motive of using her as a piece of your cultivated and carefully groomed documentary image. You must be aware that you had no legal gag order in place, nor did you coach us beforehand in how we should or shouldn't participate in the documentary to better suit your grand design. You have to understand that you invited human beings into your home to give their experiences to the crew, and that they ~gasp~ might do so utilizing their own thoughts, feelings and perspectives. you know, free speech? Had you desired a cookie cutter result from my fiancee that was designed and edited by you, you invited the wrong girl.

To bring up another point on free speech, we freely indicated to the documentary crew the feelings of censorship of our perspective that were pervasive throughout the party. In fact, I recall others voicing similar opinions when asked by the crew about their freedom to express themselves without control. I hate to burst the bubble of your perfected and cultivated image that you worked so hard to convey, but people are interesting that way. You put a camera in front of people and ask them to speak their minds candidly and you get it. Hmm. The documentary crew in fact had been in contact with my fiancee the entire time, and had expressed an interest in conducting individual interviews with her and others at the party without your oversight. I don't think the documentary crew was ignorant to the issue that the participants were in effect being gagged by the host. I'm just bringing this up in point to inform you that sometimes others aren't as in the dark about things as you might think.

Rather than insult you personally, I feel that in choosing to respond the way that I have, I've been able to spare you some grief in having to digest some of my more colorful commentary. In short, while you can play the part of a nice, innocent girl, I think its plain to see that anyone would would recognize how you are truly coming across in this discussion as a master manipulator. That was always the main criticism I had heard throughout the local community and online as well of you personally. I gave you an open mind and a chance to prove everyone wrong, but it is becoming abundantly clear that the reputation you've received has been diligently earned. I'm sorry that you have been diagnosed with cancer. Its truly a tragedy that this disease ravages our population, and I know several people in my life have been afflicted by it. However, it has no bearing nor merit in our discussion. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, it really does, but that does not forgive your backhanded compliments nor your slams on my fiancee as a person. Just because a person gets cancer, or has their own life issues, does not excuse their childish and bipolar behavior.

See, I can properly utilize psychological terms in context. The difference between you and I is that I have full, warranted degrees to discuss such topics in an academic setting. You might be painting yourself as one thing... presenting yourself as one side of the coin whilst concealing the other, but too often, the concealed side is the one that shows. I felt manipulated into action at your party when you expressed concern for my fiancee's opinions, and frankly, I am sorry. I am sorry not to you, but to her for reacting the way that I did to attempt to help you save face. All truth told, you had no right to try to control your guests' opinions in such a way, you had no right to try and sway opinions against me and force my hand to react the way that I did, and most of all... you had no right to message me, slam my fiancee openly, and not expect a sharp response from me in return. Similarly, you had no right to try and manipulate my fiancee's state of being in such a way with your reactions and choice statements about her.

To be frank, your statement revoking her right to attend your events is not unexpected. In all honesty, we had collectively decided prior to attending you last event that we would no longer attend any events you decided to throw in the community, so we're not missing out in any regard. We had decided that the purpose for us attending was simply to provide her own perspective to the documentary, spend some time with our friends, and make the best of the inevitable feelings of ill will from you and you alone. I'd say we get along with everyone else there, but your mental state, victim complex, and over inflated sense of self importance has long made a functioning friendship with you rather impossible. Friends do things together... spend time together, go to bars, go to the zoo, talk together on the phone, hell, come over just to watch a flick or BS with one another. To my recollection, you made zero such attempts to do anything of the sort, something which our dozens of other local friends do on a daily basis with us, openly and without the manipulation we felt from you.

Thank you for writing me, regardless of how backhanded it might have been (see, I can compliment sandwich, too). It allowed us some real insight into your personality and your motivations. Sometimes in people's lives, you have to make difficult decisions with regards to who you choose to associate with. Fortunately for us, you have made this process a whole lot less difficult for myself, Brian, and my fiancee. Thank you so much. I wasn't writing last time to elicit a response, nor did I expect one, or the ability to "negotiate" her ban from your party. I wrote to say in a nicer way to not send me any further messages in return. As clearly, you have been unable to read between the lines, I will clearly state it for your benefit:

Don't reply to this.
Don't attempt to contact myself or my fiancee further.
If you attempt to sully our reputations locally, good luck with that one.
If you ever wonder why you don't have any real friends locally, take a step back and consider not only your own mental state, but the conduct that guides how you carry yourself and how you interact with other people.
Manipulation only works to a certain extent. Sorry.

In the case that you do attempt to contact any of us any further, we'll seek a FetLife restraining order against you. Thank you for your time.

-D-

Friday, November 16, 2012

Social Media

   Many of my readers are aware of my youtube, but I've decided to start using Twitter and Tumblr. Links will be added and check it out if you would like. Apparently Tumblr has a spot for questions, so if anyone would like to ask me something I will try my best to keep up with that. I will also be posting on Twitter when I have new content on my blog or youtube, so be sure to follow me there. I only have one follower so far.. :(

 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Update...

I really don't update my blog as much as I should. I make my youtube videos, but there are even times when I don't really feel like doing that. The last few weeks have been incredibly rough for me. I don't really want to go into to much detail, but I have been very depressed. A few of my friends really hurt my feelings, and I guess I just kinda went off the edge. I was in a hospital with my favorite stuffie Jay the lion, and he came up missing. It has really crushed my spirits lately. My Daddy got me a very big soft stuffed puppy, and I named him Max. He is nice, but he's not Jay. I went to my first session with a new therapist tonight though, and I really think it will be a positive experience this time. I have just been trying to focus on myself lately, and eliminating those things that make me feel crappy.  

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Bedtimes...

Well I have never been a morning person, and I have always been able to stay up late into the night. My daddy has gotten sick of it though. I will stay up for days at a time. I definetly know I have insomnia, and I take meds for that, but I don't always take them. My Daddy decided that I need to start getting my sleep at night, and that I need to be on a shedule for things to remind me what I have to do. He made me a very neat chart of the things I need to do once a month, once a week, and every day. At the end of each day, if I do what he wrote, I get a sticker. If I get 5 out of the 7 stickers a week he will give me 25 dollars to spend on something fun. If I can go all month with only missing 3 stars or less he will give me  a surprise. I am excited about that.
   I definitely was not thrilled about having...  a bed time, but I do need one. I make myself sick by not sleeping. He put parental controls on all of the computers and internets to go off at midnight. Even the xbox wont let me play on it after midnight if he finds out. I have to be in bed at 1 with my milk and Jay and my Paci. The time between 12 and 1 is for winding down. I was super mad that he took away the computers, but I guess it is cuz he cares.
   We took a trip to Mes Verde yesterday. OMG It is beautiful there. He changed me on the side of the rode in some town, and let me out of the car to play for a few minutes. Then when we got there we had to wait for our tour up to the balcony house. I took a nap laying on my Daddy for about 15 minutes. Then our Tour was ready to start. It was amazing! We had to walk down a ton of steps, and then we got to a flat area, and we had to climb through tiny tunnels. The Pueblo people thought of using the tiny tunnels as a way of rebirth. It was a very spiritual experience for me. I felt energy everywhere. It was unreal. Onthe other side of the tunnel was a ladder. It was a long climb up, but once we got to the top it was so neat. There were pueblos carved right into the side of the rocks. There was a sacrificial kiva and places for living and food storage. Then we climbed up another 30 ft tunnel.
   That was when I started to feel like I couldn't breath. I had no oxygen. I kept on caughing. I started to realize I needed my inhaler. I made my daddy pull over at the ranger station, but nobody was there. We went further up the road and pulled over at a hotel. My daddy ran inside and I stopped breathing I passed out, annd couldn,t see. I was so scared, and I couldn't stop crying. Finally my door opened and there was a very nice old native american woman standing next to me she let me use a inhaler and it kind of helped, but I still couldn't breath. The lady just set there with me and rubbed my back, and petted my hair. She was very sweet. She told me that they were trying but they just don't understand how serious this is. I couldn't see her my eyes went blank. She talked with me about my toys in the backseat and told me how cute they were.Finally the emt showed up with oxygen,and she gave me that while he took my blood pressure. I started to stabalize, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Eventually my breathing was normal and I could see. I thanked the lady, and then realized that I knew her daughter. What a small world it is...huh?
   Today Im just checking my accounts and Im starting to receive peoples responses on how they got into this. I love everyones support. It makes me feel like I am not writting without reason. I just want to tell everyone of my readers that you are fucking awesome. We may be weird to others. We may not always get along, but we still have a fucking amazing community. Embrace that! Thank you everyone...   


I'm loving the responses Ive received in regards to the last video. Keep them coming!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Labels? Video Update

I figured I would post this on my blog. I really don't feel like writing all of my thoughts down right now, so I made a video... Please respond back if you are a follower.