Thursday, February 23, 2012

Confused...

I guess confused would be an understatement. I'm a little bit hurt, and upset. My little side is quite rambunctious, and like me very impulsive in her decision making. I go little for many different reasons. One of them being as a way to escape my adult life. When you are little you can pretty much do whatever, but the fear of getting in trouble is always there. Even if you get in trouble, your daddy should always still love you. Unconditional love is what I am mainly looking for. That I can be a brat, hit, talk back, throw stuff, but that after my daddy punishes me he will still care for me. Well, that being said I don't know what happened tonight. My daddy and I were playing around. I was hungry, and I wanted to get out of bed. I don't know what came over me, but I just wanted him to pay attention. I started to throw a fit, and I hit him. I got spanked, but I was still being pouty. He said that he had to go to the bathroom, and left. While he was gone,  I took all of his Xbox games off of the shelf. I wanted to stack them up, and make a castle. He came back in the room, and was very upset. He told me to stop, but I didn't want to. Then he said he was over it. I continued acting little, and put them back, but they weren't in the right order he wanted them. He told me to move, but I didn't want to. Then he said he was leaving. I don't know if it's the fact that I was abandoned as a teen, or if it was my borderline again, but I can't take it. It felt like I was really a kid, and my daddy was so mad that he just didn't want to love me anymore. I know this isn't the case. That in all reality I am 23 years old, and I know he loves me, but my little sides feelers were crushed. I curled up with my Jay and hid under my blanket, and cried it out. I'm crying right now as I type this. I don't know what is wrong with me. D was upset, and I can understand that. He really really hurt me though when he said, "You wonder why people get annoyed and quit doing this." Meaning that people quit doing the daddy thing. I cried a little more, but he kept on getting ready to leave. He said he was getting ready to go get some food. I got up, took off my diaper, and started getting dressed. I didn't want him to leave without me. He told me he wanted to talk. I told him my feelers were hurt, but that I would get over it. He kept on asking me to tell him what was wrong. At the moment I honestly didn't know. I felt like a moron for acting like a baby. I can't even explain how shitty I felt. I knew I had to use my coping skills before I really let myself go over the edge. I removed myself from the situation, and distracted myself from the moment. I left and walked around the block. I felt so much better when I came back, but he still wanted to talk. I finally gave in and it just made me feel terrible all over again. I need to respect his boundaries, and understand when it's not fun for him anymore. I just don't understand he drew me a vendiagram. In case you don't know it's that thing with two circles that overlap. The one was my little side, and the other was big me. He said that I should balance the two. Then he drew me at the moment, where the little side completely covered the big side. That is exactly how it is for me though. My little side just takes over. That is how I escape! Once again though I don't know if this could also all be going back to the issue of my borderline, and seeing things as black and white. Either I'm big or I'm little. There is never any grey with me.... Oh well... I'll try to figure it out. If anyone has any advice for either of us it would be greatly appreciated. Ouch, I just feel like a dumb ass now. Grrr I hate me sometimes. Why can't I just be freakin normal?????

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