Monday, June 3, 2013

Summer Time Again

It has been awhile since I have wrote anything. Summer has started , and I just need to relax. I have been doing what I would like to call cam whoring for about a month now. I love doing it, but it is mentally and physically still work. I had decided not to tell people about the diaper thing, but the past week I have been more open about it. Why should I hide who I really am? It doesn't hurt anyone, and I am going to be myself. I also got a video camera coming. I'm wanting to make videos for aunt elli again. The problem with our video camera is that it was a really nice one, but the technology was old. It didn't plug in to the laptop directly. Hopefully I can start making videos for her, or for a clips for sale. Who knows... If you are interested in a vanilla, or a private abdl video cam time or mommy time send me an email about what you would like at lollylalaz@yahoo.com.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A Fresh Start

This last weekend I have learned many things about myself, and honestly have a new perspective on life. I have been letting myself be talked down to by others my whole life. Why you may ask. It is because I am to nice. I don't want to snap at people, because if I do I would possibly ruin a friendship. Why am I changing myself to be someones friend? I shouldn't have to.

 I have very few real friends in my life. By friends I mean people that love me for exactly who I am, friends that don't always agree with me, but are not afraid to tell me when I am being an ass. Friends that not only like to talk to me, but that also value my opinion. Friends that will listen when I talk to them. Not just hear what I say, but truly listen. I am tired of being used as a therapist. I am a great listener, and I love to talk and help my friends. I am not a therapist though. I do not get paid to listen to you bitch about your life or other people. I am not getting paid to listen to you trash my friends. I value my friendships, and if really consider you a friend I will fight for you, and stand up for you until the end. That being said though when people can only be my friend if I see things their way. I am not okay with this.

 I need to respect the people I call friends. I will not respect you if you hurt me or the ones I love. I will not respect people that let themselves be pushed around by others. People that don't have a backbone to stand up for themselves. I am done talking to these types of people. I don't need that kind of stuff in my life. Maybe I won't have a huge community of friends, but the ones I do have will be meaningful. A friendship is a two way street. You must be willing to do for others what they do for you.

As far as being an ass online. I am working on stopping that. I don't want to be known as a troll. Yes I am opinionated, and I will stand up for what I believe, but being negative is not helping me. I struggle with my mental health every day, and to get better I need to stop focusing energy on the negative aspects on life. I need to refocus on my own life, and the goals I have for myself.

I want to make my fiancee happier. Everyday I want to do something for him to show him how very special he is.

I want to be healthier. I have started weight watchers, and am already starting to lose weight. I don't feel good about myself when I am overweight, and to change this I need to do something about it.

I want to put in my application for college. I am incredibly intelligent, and have just been afraid of them judging me based on my past.

I am done being ashamed about my past. I made mistakes, I paid for those, and I am trying to better myself.

I will try my hardest to live a straight and narrow life. This doesn't mean that I won't have a few drinks every now and then, but I am done with the fast lifestyle, and I acknowledge that I need help.

I will not let myself be used by others. I will not let others make decisions for me, or those around me.

These are just a few goal, but I know just posting them will make them easier to achieve. I am a strong minded woman, and if I want this enough I can do it.